New Blog Arrived

www.homography83.blogspot.com

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Moving out?

I am thinking of moving out.
As in moving out to another brand new blog.
I guess I had enough of this one.

I've deleted few online accounts today.

And there will be no turning back.

I might delete the rest of it soon.

So appreciate it while it still available.

I've lost so many things.

Might as well I loose everything.

It hurts, disappointing but yet memorable.

I wish I would become a better person.

A better son, a better brother, a better friend and a better 'I' in 'YOU & I'.


Call for movers and packers.
Pack your bags, get your ass up and lets move on, shall we?

I am so going to miss all of these and all of you.

But we will meet again.

Until then...

xoxo

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?

Bila semua jadi question marks yang bermain di fikiran. By this time around, aku perlu jawapan pasti. I don't need clue or hint or even empty promises.

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Fall for You

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

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Another conversation with a friend

Mood: Chill

I can't avoid myself from thinking about love. That's me. Love would be my main genre which by the way it is sickening but I can't help not to. I got 2 smses from him this morning. But I refused myself to reply. Yes, 2 smses after few days of nothing. Perhaps aku betul-betul tawar hati or nekad. I don't know what should I say or how should I react. Benda dah jadi too monotonous as if aku dah lali and empty inside. Somehow, out of those disappointment, timbul rasa rindu. I told myself its ok to miss someone. I even miss a lot of people everyday. Then aku cuba made myself happy thinking about other opportunities right in front of me. And suddenly I felt bad. I felt like I've betrayed my promises.

---

*The conversation with a friend*

Friend: You still in love with him?

Me: I guess so.

Friend: Kau tak sure?

Me: Apa beza pun? Dia tetap dengan cara dia.

Friend: Tapi kau fikir pasal dia selalu?

Me: Memang la. Tapi aku tak tau apa lagi yang aku nak fikir.

Friend: See, kau still fikir pasal dia. Which means kau still sayang dia la.

Me: Sayang tu sayang. Tapi aku dah confuse sayang yang macam mana.

Friend: Habis, kenapa kau tak bersabar? Or kau dah ada orang lain?

(a long silent)

Friend: 'buzz'

Me: Aku penat sabar and tunggu. Tapi for nothing. Tak ada effort yang aku nampak.

Friend: Kau ada orang lain?

Me: Tak. Well, not officially. Tapi aku ada fikir pasal orang lain.

Friend: See, kau fikir pasal dia and pasal orang lain at the same time. Apa tu?
(I felt annoyed for a few second)

Me: Look, the thing is aku tau salah aku kat mana. And yes aku fikir pasal orang lain. Itu pun since our relationship ni dah jadi macam ni. What else you want me to do? Aku dah cuba untuk pertahankan or bersabar. Tapi dia macam tak ada apa-apa effect pun.

Friend: Tapi dia sayang kau kan?
Me: Sayang bukan setakat kat mulut je [friend's name]! Cuba lah tunjuk sikit. Buat la aku ni rasa dihargai sikit. Bagi la aku perhatian. He even deleted my comments on [website]. As if dia tak nak or malu nak mengaku siapa aku.

Friend: Maybe dia nak jaga privacy korang kot.

Me: Privacy my a**! Dia macam tak appreciate aku pun. Nak communicate pun susah. Kau nak suruh aku stand for what?

Friend: Kalau kau betul-betul sayang, I'm sure kau explain pada dia and cuba pertahankan relationship ni.

Me: Aku dah cuba. Tapi nothing. Macam tak ada effect. Semua akan nampak salah aku. Aku serious dah tak faham.

Friend: Orang yang dalam kepala kau tu macam mana?

Me: No clue. Aku pun cuba avoid fikir pasal dia. Tapi kadang-kadang terfikir. Ntah la. Tak akan ada apa-apa kot.

Friend: Haha... [my name], apa yang kau nak sebenarnya?

Me: Orang yang betul-betul hargai aku and sayang aku macam mana aku hargai and sayang dia. Orang yang tak malu nak mengaku ada aku untuk dia. Orang yang buat aku rasa special and yang bagi perhatian pada aku. A real relationship la. Where to person in love with each other bukan sekadar dalam hati or di mulut. Dapat tunjuk yang dia betul-betul sayangkan aku and perlukan aku.

Friend: Keep looking. Ada kat luar tu.

---

Keep looking? Aku sendiri dah tak pasti what to look for or exist kah orang macam tu? Funny how I tried to express everything to a friend when in fact the person involved masih tak pernah faham.

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Long silent night

In a long silent night, I sipped the air from outside of my window and nodded; "what is happening to me?". I could not sleep although I've comfortably rested my body on my bed. My brain just couldn't let me sleep. So I am still awake.

I wondered; "what will happen tomorrow?". My mind froze for a few minutes so I don't have any clue about it. I silently whispered to myself; "nothing but the same old lame day like any other day".

I looked in the mirror closely and stared at the person in it's reflection; "who am I?". Even my own reflection couldn't answer me. All I saw was a sad expression of a hopeless human.

I flipped through an old book I've wrote; tried to find a clue. Pages by pages; "how could I not realised that I have wasted my life making all of these mistakes?". Again, I looked down and nodded.

I couldn't throw all the memories behind. It were all hunting me now. I couldn't move a step forward trying to leave all of those shits. It all have become the shadow over me.

I ended up crying all night. I regret the past. Slap me to wake me up from this suicidal memories. Each and every drop of my tears I keep telling myself to be brave. I will. But I need more time and I need someone to guide me.

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My new priorities

Mood: Rejuvenated

Right about now, the most important things is to know my priorities. Aku dah fed up dengan most of the things yang complicating my life lately. So I choose to find myself a new life. Not that my life right now were totally sucks, but I think it is time for me to change. Yes! I need to change for good.

01: Good career.

---

When I was a kid, I always wanted to be an architect. Unfortunately, after few colleges drop-out, I was no longer have the opportunities to be one of them. So I studied graphic design. Yet, I am lack of experiences in graphic so most of my previous job have nothing related to it. I worked for a few financial companies previously.

Somehow, I've been told that I am actually good at writing (people say I am; make yourself clear). Well, I have a passion for writing. But most of it were nothing but a crappy personal stories. Other then that, people also find me have a good fashion sense (again, people told me). Yes, I am a big fan of fashion. I visualise it, but I don't really design it. I might not even apply it to myself. But at least, I am not one of those out of fashion freak. Back to the issue, fashion and writing are the 2 main interest for me. So why don't I write for fashion? I used to, but lets just say I don't really have the certificate to approve neither I am a fashion designer nor a journalist. So I skipped that.

Right about now, I am still dreaming to be a fashion writer or an editor of a magazine. Can I really achieve that? I guess I should try, from scratch. Whatever it is, I need a good career right about now. And no matter what job it will be, I'll do it efficiently.

02: Family first

---

I am the youngest among 3. Yes people said that the youngest are the one who get most of the attention. I used to believe on that too. But as I grow older, I am the one who really lack of it. I admit that I am the black sheep of the family. For some reasons, I am the rebellious one in my family. I always fight for what I want and will do something bad when I don't get what I've wished for. As a result, I am spoiled.

Now, I have to be independent. I can't depend much on them anymore. Neither on my sister who already have her own family, nor to my brother who couldn't care much. I always put friends first then family second before. From now on, family will always remain first. I've learnt a lot from previous disappointment. So let's hope that this time, I'll get closer to my family as I was before when I was in my teen ages.

03: Best friends forever

---

I might known for having a lot of friends. I might also never be catch seeing alone. I always have friends around me since I was in high school. Friends were like clothes that I have to wear everyday. But now, I still do believe that friends are like clothes. They keep changing and keep loosing.

Luckily, I have a few of them who glued to me. Those are my bff. I might have made some mistakes in this friendship, but there are ways to make it up to them. I love them so much just like my own family. I never have any intention to hurt them, neither to be hurt by them. I shall keep them forever.

04: LOVE

---

I just want to love and be love by someone special that might not be perfect, but perfect for me.

05: F.R.I.E.N.D.S

---

Weird, but true. Even though I am a homo, but 98% of my friends are those straight people who understand and well-accept homo. Obviously, they are not homophobia. I am glad to have them as friends. I am sorry for those who couldn't accept me for who I am. But at least I am not a hypocrite. You have to accept my orientation in a way to become a friend. Its just who I am, not what I have become.

I always wanted to have some homo friends like any other people like me. I have some, but most of them ended up dated me or dumped me. Funny, that we couldn't stay in a friendship zone when clearly either me or them who have feelings towards each other. I just couldn't. But once I treated them as a friend, then I've drew the line that we couldn't even cross it.

But friends do come and go. I am sorry that I don't seems to have much effort in making new friends. I like to make friends and I believe that I am a friendly person. But seriously, it keeps on changing and I am getting tired of it. So friends, unnecessarily to be count on. Besides, friends are just friends.

There might be a few subjects to be add on in times. But lets hope this change will make me become a better person. Hey, it is not too late to have a new resolutions. Mine started now.

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Changed.

Now I am being completely ridiculous. Mana pergi the old me yang stronger and couldn't care much? I've changed. He changed me.

Now I am being completely fool out of myself. Perbodohkan diri for nothing. I never thought I could be that idiot. He changed me.

Now I am being completely paranoid. Those negativity datang striking me like thunder. I couldn't be confident about it anymore. He changed me.

Now I am hoping for a change. Hoping for a soul saver to save me from this crap. Where are thou?

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Mr. O

Few days back I met this Mr. O. I knew him for quite sometimes and baru finally dapat met him in person. The last few days memang aku banyak spent time hanged out and talked with him. He is a good listener. Macam-macam aku dah cerita pada dia. Almost a short version of my whole complicated life. He seemed to understand and banyak bagi aku advices which made me feels rejuvenated.

Yesterday he fetched me up for a movie. But I was not in the mood for movie at that time. So we skipped movie and go for late dinner somewhere. As usual, we talked and talked sampai dah naik berbuih nak bercakap lagi. He is funny and what makes him so adorable was everytime I made a joke, he laughed at those jokes sincerely. You'll realise when people start to make fake laughter just to please you and your joke. But he wasn't like that. And that dimple every time he smile; it almost kill me. He is a nice person.

On the way home, we stopped by at a bukit nearby my place. It has a good view last night and a little windy. How I wish someone that I love would be with me right at that moment. Romantic. Instead, Mr. O yang ada just to hear all my shits out. Suddenly, he sat in front of me looking straight into my eyes. Aku dah start rasa uncomfortable. He said things I never wanted to hear from him. Aku rasa disappointed sebab he ruined our friendship gambling on his infatuation.

I respect him for being totally honest. I salute him for expressing his feelings towards me. But I couldn't be more disrespect when he clearly disrespect my decision although he knew what I've gone through right about now. Ternyata manusia banyak yang sama. Most of them suka ambil advantages yang ada untuk jadikan opportunities untuk mereka dapatkan something or someone yang mereka mahu. It doesn't work that way for me. I am sorry.

And today, I've been bugging with all his smses and online messages. I felt bad. Rasa macam dah breaking someone's heart. Tapi this feelings belong to someone else until dia betul-betul throw this feelings away. And what made this worse bila Mr. O mula annoyed me dengan kata-kata kasar and pushy. Irritated me dengan those stoopid smses yang buat aku pissed off. So, full-stop to you Mr. O. I just can't play your game anymore.

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untitled

missing

pieces

missing

YOU...

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I'm done.

Mood : Lonely

I cannot take this anymore.

I am so lost and I need a wall to lean on.

I am sorry that I have to disappoint you.

But, I have disappoint myself much more.

Chances given just blew away.

I'm done.

Now, I am waiting to be save.

Or I just have to stand up alone.

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2739

:-) :-D ;-)

2839

:-) :-D ;-) :-*

2939

:-(

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